Dear Dad

Sometimes, i wished that my worth as a girl, as a woman, was affirmed by my father.

I wish that he would affirm me of my beauty, that i am beautiful, just as I am; instead of asking me to "draw" on my face like that of his niece (by the way, I have no qualms against using make-up). I remembered questioning him, "do you want me to be like her (name of my cousin)?"

He kept quiet, grumpily brushed me off.

I felt that my heart collapsed within; i felt so vulnerable, so weak, so abandoned as if I didn't matter in that moment.

Why, dad? This is going to be another knot which i have to work it out, work it through in my heart.

I sometimes wish with all my heart that my husband would be a great father to my child, not only providing for her physical needs but more importantly be there for her emotionally, mentally & spiritually.

But i am afraid. I'll have thoughts like: "what if i become envious of my own daughter just because she has the life which i so much craved for when i was young?"

It's funny how I want to give the best to my children (when i imagine starting a family) but also fear that I would have such destructive thoughts & feelings towards my dearest.

There is no closure to what i've written, but i am thankful that i can pen my thoughts down. Thank you for reading :-)