Identity (Teach Me How to Dance)

We naturally feel good when we have done something well. But what if we don't have a gauge of whether we are good enough? And if we don't have a secured sense of 'good enough,' will we still be able to call ourselves a

dancer,

singer,

writer,

photographer,

______.

In these 20 whole years of my life, I have had the privilege of having opportunities to, 'dance.' However, until today, I really won't call myself a 'dancer.' It's too big a title for me. It's too heavy, almost crushing, form of identity which I can attach myself to.

You see, I never was that typical child who went for ballet lessons and got her graded certificate to determine her capabilities. Neither was I ever part of a dance club, in or out of school. I was never rooted in any place which would qualify me as a, 'dancer,' which explains why I am always hesitant or uncertain to give an answer when people ask me, "oh, you dance?"

It's honestly heartbreaking. My soul sole desires, but it is still in the waiting of an awakening.

When I think of Dance, I would always think of the parable of talents. I would question the Lord if Dance was really His gift as I've seen how it was, yet it was always that gift which was in the background, untouched, buried.

During a youth camp at the end of 2018, I waited for a response, for an affirmation, perhaps something tangible to unfold to make me believe that I was meant to dance. I kneeled and sobbed when nothing but emptiness echoed back.

The video below taken last June 2019 (please do not watch it till you've read this piece in full)! It was performed during a mission trip in Cambodia, where we held a village party. Looking back, God truly takes full credit for this piece. He just placed that desire in my heart to create a dance with the song, "God Only Knows" to encourage the Cambodians that no matter what pain they have suffered from their past and current present time, God is the only one who knows their pain, and knows thoroughly what it feels like.

It was especially confusing as I was really not adequate to lead this project. Yet the pain I felt whenever I thought of the Khmer Rouge; a tragic historical event which took place in Cambodia, I just felt that need to tell these people that "God Only Knows".

Although till today, the whole process had shown me that God will use our five loaves and two fishes no matter the doubts we placed on ourselves or the world, on us - He will multiply for His glory and not ours to claim.

I am concluding this piece with neutrality. I really don't know what my future holds, whether this gift of Dance would continue to grow and hopefully bloom in full fold.

Yet, I hope that I will continue to surrender and yield my heART to Him.